The Single Girl’s Survival Guide: Seeing Myself Honestly

How to fight back and flourish in 2019: Part 2

I am a proud person. I think of myself in the best light possible. I romanticize my life decisions as brave and adventurous.

But recently I made the decision to transition out of a 10-year career in church ministry in order to follow a creative calling in which the specifics seem fuzzy at best, and it has given me new insights into who I really am and the mindsets I have.

I don’t like admitting that the following things are thoughts I regularly have or are things I consistently struggle to believe. But maybe these are things you think or believe too, and maybe what I’ve been learning will ring true in your heart too.

So, for better or worse, here we go:

Thing One: “I wish I could just get married and not have to be the only one with an income.”

I don’t know how many times I’ve had this thought in the last two months of trying to figure out how to best make an income so I can more freely pursue what I feel called to.

Why do I still default to thinking that marriage is “the answer” for so many things? Examining this mindset, I’m reminded yet again: MARRIAGE IS NOT THE ANSWER. It won’t fix my financial frustrations. It won’t magically cure my loneliness. It won’t make me eternally happy.

It can’t do those things, because it’s not God.

But in very real and practical ways, turning my heart to Jesus is the answer. When I stop looking for material things to fill me, stop waiting for one single human to make my life complete, and instead surrender my life to Jesus, only then do I start to experience the spiritual and practical things that make my life thrive.

In these months of transition, I have been struck by the realization again and again that God is my provider, and my security does not lie in a job or in someone else providing for me. My security rests solely in God’s hands. He is my Shepherd. In Him I lack nothing. Whether He gives me money or not, He will give me all that I need, and it will be enough because He will be with me.

I have also seen God surrounding me with incredible community through new friendships in the form of “community dinner” every week at an old friend’s house — so many opportunities to know and be known. I’ve experienced so much richness sitting around a dinner table with anyone who can squeeze in to eat, laugh, talk theology, encourage and challenge one another. If there was loneliness lurking around the edges of my heart before community dinner each week, it certainly won’t find its way in when I open up amidst so many friends.

When I stop believing that marriage will someday show up and fix my problems and instead open myself up to what Jesus offers me now, I am blown away by the goodness He brings into my life, whether by speaking directly into my heart or by providing community with other people.

Thing Two: “Does what I have to offer (especially creatively) even matter?”

After having this thought countless times over the last couple months, I have finally admitted that I am a major doubter. No matter how many times I feel God impressing on my heart that it does matter and to keep going, this mindset of doubt is one that I easily fall back into, over and over.

Here’s what allowing this question to fester in my heart does: it makes me afraid that I’ll choose the wrong things, afraid that I’ll take the wrong next steps, afraid that I’ll create a life that is ultimately a failure. All of this fear results in paralysis and inaction, which leads to me getting angry at myself for not pursuing the creative work I believe I’m called to.

Yet God responds to me with gentleness and patience. Every. Single. Time. Like the still small voice in Elijah’s storm (1 Kings 19) the Holy Spirit quietly reminds me that it matters: through hearing a story about 3 women’s lives being changed when song I wrote was part of a teaching they heard; through reading a new book about why art exists and that the urge to create is not selfish but meant for the benefit of the world; through a good friend reminding me that I must keep pouring out and not be distracted or discouraged.

“Keep going,” I feel God writing on my heart, “You are not responsible for figuring out how it matters. You just need to obey and follow me, and trust that I am bringing beautiful results, even if you don’t see those results.”

Thing Three: “What if I make a total mess out of my life?”

My biggest fear, hands down, is failure — getting it wrong. Getting it WRONG (I’m literally terrified of this, and thinking about it makes me feel so fragile, like I’ll shatter into a million tiny pieces if I “get it wrong”).

Why?

I didn’t know why until I felt God answer my question in these words, “Even in the mess you are still loved.”

When God dropped those words into my heart, I suddenly realized that I have always believed failure will result in losing love. All this time, in the deepest part of my heart and mind, I have believed that I have to earn love.

But the thing about love, especially God’s love, is that it doesn’t depend on me getting it right, ever. God loves me the same in every moment, whether I meet my own expectations or not. Whether I do all the things I think I am “supposed” to do or not. Whether the next steps I’ve chosen lead me closer to what I perceive my calling is or not.

I am always and unshakably loved by God. I am loved before I am anything else, which sets me free in everything else.

Ah, there’s the solid ground I’ve been looking for. I’ve been trying to find it in knowing the answers, in understanding the “right things”, in knowing what to “do” next. But it turns out God’s love destroys my need to know things, to understand things, because my value as a human being doesn’t come from getting it right. My value as a human being comes from being loved, and God does love me unquestionably and irrevocably.

I think this “being loved by God” concept was put best in one of my favorite books, All That Was Made, by Alabaster Co.:

“To exist is to be loved by God.”

Mic drop.